Today I handed in my thesis.


I was pretty alright with it.



.....


But now I don't know what to do with myself. I feel really empty. I ate a bunch of cookies, but that didn't have quite the effect I was hoping for. Made an appointment...um....need to do laundry and change sheets on a bed...not exactly exciting is it? AUGH THE LAUNDRY.

OK, I should be productive, even though I practically didn't sleep last night.

So.


I still didn't hand it in on time.


Details on regular blog forthcoming.

Needless to say...pretty down about it...but I'm doing alright. It was really bad for a day, and then it was fine. I didn't mind.

What I said, Part Deux



Prof ******,

OK, here is the story:

Prof. **** offered me a few days extension if I wanted it, earlier in May, until the 31st, and I assumed (wrongly, I'm sure) that he would handle the administrative details. I e-mailed him on Monday to say that I would like the extension, and that my thesis was finished, but before I handed it in that I would like to talk to him. He said to visit him Tuesday or Wednesday. I visited him on Wednesday morning, because I thought that he had handled the necessary details, and therefore I would hand in my thesis the next day, today. Unfortunately, he thought I meant that I had handed it in by the deadline itself when I sent him an e-mail, where I asked him about extending the deadline to the 31st. I would have waited all afternoon to see you if I could, but unfortunately I was required to work yesterday afternoon, and could not wait for a long time.

Anyways, the delay is now going through the right channels, which I would have no problems going through before, but, as I said, there was a problem between what I understood to be the case and what my promoter said.

As for visiting you earlier, I only read last week in an e-mail from the Institute that I should visit you if there was going to be a problem, and I didn’t think that it was the case that I needed to visit you, since, like I said, my assumption was that my promoter talked to the person responsible for deadlines.

Anyways, I appreciate your time invested into these matters. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks.


Sincerely,


Brennan Sarich


---And now, the paragraph I didn't include, because it was too controversial, and clearly would have put my promoter at fault. Whether that's fair or not, I am still unsure:

I wish I had a better explanation and that I was more active in pursuing and double-checking details, but I can't really offer a defense of that. What I can say is that I tried to do what I thought was most reasonable in this situation, and that I don't have a problem with deadlines, or this particular deadline, but only that I either misinterpreted what was said or took someone's word for something that was not actually possible. And that's what happened.



----So, now I wait. I have no idea what's going to happen, other than he's going to say, "no."

If that happens, I am SOOOOOOO going to take a three day break before I start block studying for my exams. I SOOOO am.

If he does say yes, I'll laugh. Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't at all.

Prof. ******,

Between me and my promoter, Prof. ******, there was a miscommunication about my thesis, and subsequently I did not hand it in on the deadline of the 29th. I came to your office during your office hours to discuss this problem (12:10-20) but unfortunately you were unavailable. Prof.****** has given me permission to hand it in this Saturday, the 2nd of June, if I so wish. I, however, need permission from you, obviously. (I had assumed Prof. ****** had already talked to you.) Anyways, if this is possible, or if I can stop by for five minutes to talk to you about this and give you Prof. ********'s letter of permission, please let me know either way. Thanks.


Sincerely,

Brennan Sarich
2nd MA


And the saga continues.....

I will know when I am doing my thesis defence in a day, or maybe even a morning.

Well, there, I did it.

It's finished.

88 pages, not including references and other pages and bits.


....


Now I need to edit it.

Honestly,

I just don't know what to do with myself now.

Well, I just sent the revised section of this onto Prof Steel, I don't care what he thinks about it. It's crap anyways. =/

I will just keep working hard. No failing. =)

Well, off to bed, after I take a break. For just a minute, maybe I'll do something nice for myself...like....uh....um....

maybe just sleep. That's only nice thing lately. =)

I'm done the first section on the good will (for the third...fourth...time?) again. It's 22 pages. It was actually more like 25, but holy crap, I literally edited out about 3 pages worth of "However, therefore,.." etc., ad naseum. You don't realize how much filler you're capable of until you're trying to talk about concepts that you just want lightly pass by when, in reality, you need to discuss them in serious depth or you're going to become a snack for your promoter.

It's so early in the morning. I want to go for a jog, but I know I should sleep instead. I will lurk around the philosophy department, and see if my promoter is available for a 15 minute chat, and then I can start working on the next section. Because I have failed trying to do this on my own, since that seems to bring extremely unhappy results. =/ =/ =/ =/


Got an e-mail from Kristin today, I'm so happy to hear from her. Currently I am just trying to finish my thesis...geez, it's rough. Hm. I dunno. It's always rought when you haven't shaven and you can only think about how much crap your thesis is.

Huh there's a little spider making a web on my lamp this morning. I think he's responsible for the itch I have on my scalp. =) AUGH! SPIDERS!

The more I do my thesis, the more I realize I don't know what my promoter wants, and I'm literally shooting in the dark. He says its my research, but really, I just don't know how I can write things that he can find interesting and agree with remotely. Granted, the other grad students seem to have similar problems, so I'm not too worried. It's a Belgianism, and really, I'm a lot younger than most here.

Anyways, I should go, none of this is restoring my faith in humanity, and I need to get up in an hour or three. Hm. Two is better, I imagine.

It's getting better.

One section of 1st chapter finished.

Not much, is it?

This week I

wrote a bunch pages, section on lust finished...I guess (I refuse to even edit it at this point)

I had a meeting with my promoter

I have another meeting with my promoter on Thursday to discuss a little more where it's going. The meeting with my promoter on Tuesday went really bad. Really, really, really bad. Really bad. Bad.

....

Really.


But, no problem, life moves on, keeping writing, and not worrying about what said promoter thinks of my writing, just keep writing, since the editing can come later. Main ideas, not structure.

Anyways, I am starting my part on the difference between the law and the sickness-analogies of evil and Original Sin, we'll see how that plays up. I'm really just too tired and sleep to do it, so maybe I'll take a break...no NO. OK, temptation avoided. The only temptation I'm allowed to give into is sleep, and that's because between looking like a prune when I'm 25 and finishing my thesis on time, I'd rather have it done in August.

I think I'm going to have to defer it if I keeping having issues like Tuesday, though. It's pretty for sure.

Which brings up a whole host of other issues which I'd rather not think about right now. Heh.

=)

OK, back to writing. Time to be meaningful! I, uh, guess. Eh heh.

I'm almost finished the chapter on lust.

12 pages finished, probably will be fourteen, hope not much more, seeing Ralph tonight, maybe make him dinner.

Don't feel like talking about lust, already ready for the next chapter on punishment.

I have a meeting with my promoter tomorrow. Sigh. HE suggested it, which probably means VERY BAD things.

Sigh.

Anyways, hopefully my head is still attached to my body later. Ay yay.

Starting last week,

I've stopped seeing all my friends
ate my weight in chocolate, chips, candy, crackers, meals made by other people concerned for my physical and mental health, and cheese.
Sweated off half of it in my little room of heated death
Decided that I will never do laundry again, but simply make a bed out of all my clothes and grow bacteria on my body for a living

....and then, on the work side of things


photocopied two books, read half of one, need to read both (That reminds me, need to read the other book by O'Donovan. Hm.)
read a bunch of articles again
organized all of them once I couldn't find them because they were in huge messy piles
drove myself crazy editing and re-editing. Slashing wrists considered a viable option.
almost finished the really long, semi-useless yet semi-important section on Original Sin (It's at 16 pages, which is really freakin' long, because I never meant it to be more than 15 max, because it's not even the beef of my thesis. Sigh.) which I will send to my promoter tonight. Maybe 5 more pages? I hope so. I don't really feel like making this much longer.



And now, I go back into the Cave..

FREAKING OUT. SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT.

AUGH AUGH AUGH AUGH AUGH.


I have been editing the same 11-13 pages ALL DAY. I'M LOSING IT.

I threw away 2 to 4 pages and wrote about 2 pages in its place.

This would be fine if NINETY-PERCENT OF MY DAY WASN'T SPENT LOOKING FOR 3-4 REFERENCES. I CANNOT EXPLAIN HOW PAINFUL THIS IS.

Today was supposed to be work hard and do many things day with my thesis. Sigh.

I don't think I'm going to make it.

Hm.

I need to really either a) start writing more than 10 pages a day or b) defer until August.


....

I can't decide.

I don't wanna defer.

I hate this.

AUGH.

My Thesis:

Evil people don't have a will.

Fini.

Easy.

Well, I had my thesis meeting, he didn't have time to read my stuff, no problem, so we talked a little further about what we thought the perverse will was. Technically he's not sure I have a thesis statement, and I'm not sure yet, either.

Surprisingly, I don't think that's very devestating.

Sadly, I knew there was something I was missing that I hadn't prepared for this meeting, and then I remembered that's what it was. Sigh.

However, I do think I have an argument, but it's not done yet. It's entirely possible that I will know what I'm arguing once I'm finished arguing it. Considering that we changed my topic halfway through, I can't really argue what was interesting to argue before. Now I'm still looking for what is interesting...the difference is that I'm trying to be meticulous as possible. Well. More meticulous than I was earlier. He's still concerned that I'm not focused enough, but I'm not sure yet. I think it's pretty good for me, since I'm big picture by nature, the higher focus is pretty crazy for me. I feel less attacked now when we have meetings, but I think that's because I actually have something to say, and it's not all crap. He says the writing is much better, even pleasant to read, so that's a start. Maybe if I 'focus' then that will mean 'you pass,' and maybe if I surprise him, that will mean 'high grade, over a 15' which is what I need. Want. Whatever. I'm at the stage where I just say keep going, don't care about the rest.

What was funny was when he said, "You know, Brennan, I'm just concerned about how put together this all is. I'm worried we might get to the end and you have a series of essays on Augustine, not a thesis." I laughed to myself in a very ha-ha-yeah-that's-a-realistic-possibility-kinda-way.

On the other hand, it's so hard to understand Augustine. It's not easy, especially when you think you understand, and then you read something else, and then you don't understand again. Some thinkers really don't change their minds that often, so you open anywhere in the work, and you see what you want to see. With Augustine, you look at page one, and you look at the last page, and you wonder whether they're the same authour, not even if they're the same book. Because most of his stuff was never written in a chunk of time, but over 10 years or so. So yeah, basically everything he says is never the same opinion as when he started. So, he writes like me. Eh heh. It's like trying to hear one voice among about five-million. It's not easy. I know that other students struggle with this as well, but I have to be really careful, because if I say "God" is theology, and my promoter doesn't like that, and if I say, "Roman and Stoic and Neoplatonism" it's history of philosophy, and if I say "context" it's something like pseudo-psychology, and whenever I write "desire" now all I think about is Lacan.

I know my mind is rolling around like a bunch of stuff, and I know he's concerned about too much law, and not enough will, but what I think is interesting about Augustine is that he uses the will to follow a law, and there is a weight to love, and this makes desire moral, instead of unintelligible.

Huh. That sounds like a thesis.

OK, gave the stuff I want to talk about with my promoter a quick scrub, and now I sent it by e-mail. Ensue motion sickness. Should be alright, managed to catch some pretty big errors, but I'm sure there are plenty left for 'discussion.' Eh heh. Sigh.

Well, my thesis is up around thirty pages. I have a meeting with my promoter on Thursday, so I'm finished editing about 13 of 24 pages, so more than half done. I am soooooooo veeeeerrrryyyyyy siiiiiicccck right now, though, that I don't know if I'll be able to without falling asleep, and it's only 9pm. I had a nap and everything today! =D

I'm working on taking more care of myself...I know Ralph asked me to, My Kevin Dad asked me to, and I really, really just need more sleep, more healthy meals, and less stress. Or I will implode. Then explode. And then Patrick will clean up the mess of Brennan goop everywhere. Poor him, really!

Anyways, the thesis will not be going alright until my promoter has cut me down to size. So we'll see how thursday goes. Deep breaths.

I don't think I'm getting anything done on my thesis today which is RANCID. I have so much to do, but I'm too tired, and I just can't think today, and I have a lot of other things on my mind. AUGH!

Trying to use one's brain when one is stressed is frustrating, especially when you're trying to think about good and evil. I can do lots of other really interesting things, but not concentrate on an ethical problem which is directly related to other ethical problems which I'm currently experiencing. DILEMMA!

It's not hard what I have to do now for my thesis, but I'm just really really really tired. And that means I'm really really really wasting my time today. Really.

Today I wrote 7-8 pages, read five or six articles, and read Book One of On Free Will very. Very. Carefully. Again. This is driving me crazy. Every time I think I understand all the passages, I look again, and think, "I don't get it. Why did I think I got it?" So, the bit on lust is done, and I can get into the meat of the Fall, which will be about 15 pages, I think, and then some small pieces on order and on why all Augustine's theories don't work, a bit on City of God, stuff like that, then a conclusion, then my intro, which is what I'm really looking forward to writing. It will be smashing.

Since so far, it's all not exactly 'ground-breaking,' which makes me think it's not that great.

Sigh. Oh well, that's for my thesis advisor to say, not me. =) I'm ok, and everything will be fine. We'll just have to wait and sigh. Uh, I mean see! Wait and see!

Freudian slip.

I wrote a page in one chapter, a sentence and a reference in another.

I'm so tired I just can't think, and I'm just so stressed right now because of everything that I need sleep all the time, I think. Sigh.

Today I

wrote 2 pages, starting a new chapter bit, reorganized part of my table of contents, and keeping going. I'm doing everything in order, not in the way my promoter said, but it just sort of turned out this way. The meat is yet to come, which is part of why this is taking so long. Part of why it took so long today is because I had the question, "What is death for Augustine?" on my mind basically the entire evening, and no one I had read had an answer really, but I found it by putting a couple things together.

I revised a page and a bit, technically I wrote 3 pages today, but it ended up being one page of something understandable, rather than three pages of drivel. I'm so tired that I don't think I can do much more today, I know I need rest, but I'll just keep plugging...I could really use a break, but I just I'll just be burnt out after grad, and then everything will be fine. Hopefully. I don't see the end of the tunnel right now, and it's annoying me, but I think it's because I didn't work on my thesis yesterday, and it's been a couple days since I last did, and I just need more time that's really fixed, helps me think. But because of the way work is, I never set aside the time because I can't...and also my friends are pretty erratic lately, so it's been all up and down and everywhere with them.

OK, maybe I'll write some more later. I think I'm going to e-mail Ralph some pictures I told myself I would e-mail him.

2 pages, still on the chapter on desire. I need to get moving on this thing, this is taking too long, but I just don't seem to have enough time anymore. I'm exhausted all the time, and I'm on a happy and heavy road to burn out at this rate. On the bright side, once the first draft is finished, and edited, I can be quite satisfied, and I then have a lot of time for revision...and by a lot, I mean...maybe two weeks. However, I will try and finish this before the end of February, which is looking possible as long as I don't lose my momentum, which I don't think I will. When I'm on the edge I do my best stuff.

re-read an article. Meant to read 2, but fell asleep on the train instead.

Reorganized table of contents a bit

2 1/2 pages

re-read some articles

organized my articles

Cleaned my bookshelf and stuff as a side-effect of all of this. =)

Yesterday

A very rough table of contents
revising some articles and readings


Today

re-reading book one of "De Libero Arbitrio" very, very carefully (which made my head hurt)
and
2 pages. More would probably follow, but now I go to dinner with the people I work with. Hopefully will not end in bloodshed.

Kidding.

5 pages